My Type & Aviation Humor

 

 A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one
 house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to
 his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and
 wrote  "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

 When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his
 card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis
 3:10."

 Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales
 of laughter.

 Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
 Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I
 was afraid for I was naked."

 Remember:

 "A cheerful heart is good medicine" (Prov 17:22a)

 

 It was Saturday night and the preacher still hadn't been able to think of a sermon for the next morning.  About 9:00 p.m he finally said to his wife, "Dear, I think I've come up with the perfect sermon!  I'm going to give a sermon about horseback riding!"   She said, "Don't be silly! You can't give a sermon about horseback riding!"  He replied, "Well, it's going to have to do because I've preached on just about every other subject I can think of." The next morning as they were driving to church, she said, "I can't believe that you're insisting on doing this! You know, if you're going to give that silly sermon on horseback riding, I'm just going to stay in the car during the service."  He said, "OK, then, suit yourself!", so, she stayed in the car. !   Entering church before the service, the preacher had a sudden inspiration and gave a hell-fire and brimstone sermon on SEX  that just had the congregation in awe.  As the congregation filed out of the church, some of the members saw his wife sitting in the car and approached her window.  One of them said, "Wow! You just missed the best sermon your husband has ever given!"  His wife said said, "Yeah, right!  What does he know about it!  He talks big but he's only tried it twice in his life!  Once before we were married and once after, and he fell off both times!" 

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him

sitting at the kitchen table with a large tumbler of scotch in front of

him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She

watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his drink.

"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why

are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his drink, "Do you remember 20 years ago when

we

were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember

when

your father, the cop, caught us in the back seat of my car making

love?"

"Yes, I remember said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my

face and said, 'either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to

jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too", she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said...

"I would have gotten out today."

 

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over and the officer walked up to the car. The female police officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.

  The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally Said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?" Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"

The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a Small rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license," and handed it to the blonde policewoman.

  The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all this hassle.

 

 

 

MONEY   MONEY   MONEY

 

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his

money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money  more

than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to  his wife,

"Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and  place it in

the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."  So he got his

wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all

the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was

sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished  the

ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the  casket,the

wife said "Wait just a minute!" She had a shoe box with her,  she  came

over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked

the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't

crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."  She said, "Yes, I

promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was

going to put that money in that casket with him."  "You mean to tell me you

put every cent of his money in the casket with  him?" "I sure did," said

the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a

check."

 

 

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.  And there are 5

people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my

dad...or maybe my older brother Bob. Or my younger brother Ho-Chi Wong.

But I'm pretty sure it's Bob.

 

Wise Quotes From PaPa

 PaPa says Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one, but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.

Judgin' from the specimens they pick for husbands, it's no wonder that brides often blush.

On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past...but never the present.

A foolish husband remarks to his wife: "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.

Many girls like to marry a military man--he can cook, sew, make a bed, and is in good health...and he's already used to taking orders.

 
The Shepard

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

"OK, why not." answered the young man.

"Clearly, you are a Consultant." said the shepherd.

"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business.

Now! give me back my dog."

 

You Gotta Love The Elderly!

          A pastor goes to a nursing home to visit an

          elderly parishioner.  As he is sitting there, he notices a bowl of

          peanuts beside her bed and takes one. As they

          continue their conversation, he can't help himself

          and eats one after another.  By the time they are through visiting, the bowl is

          empty. He says, "Mrs. Jones, I'm so sorry, but I

          seem to have eaten all of your peanuts."

         

          That's O.K," she says. "They would have just sat

          there anyway. Without my teeth, all I can do is

          suck the chocolate off and put em back in the

          bowl."

 

ARCHIVED HUMOR One

 
Home Aviation General Links Newsboard

Stories

 Web Camera(s) Word(s) of the Week