ARCHIVED HUMOR One
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a. m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O. K. to sleep with Mommy when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mommy that night. They said OK.
After
my next trip several weeks later, my wife and the children picked me
up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late,
there were hundreds of other folks also waiting for their arriving
passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came
running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I
waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?" "Nobody slept
with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport
became very quiet.
preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.
He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor
said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and
Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the Secret Service."
THE
FUTURE
Ozone
created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest
White
minorities are still trying to have English recognized as
Spotted
Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.
Two
men were walking through the woods and came upon a big black, deep hole.
One man picked up a rock and tossed it into the hole and stood listening
for
the rock to hit bottom. There was no sound. He turned to the other guy and
said "that must be a deep hole...let's throw a bigger rock in there
and listen for it to hit bottom." The men found a bigger rock and
both picked it up and lugged it to the hole and dropped it in. They
listened for some time and never heard a sound. Again, they agreed that
this must be one deep hole and maybe they should throw something even
bigger into it. One man spotted a rail-road tie nearby. They picked
up the tie, grunting and groaning, and lugged it to the hole. They tossed
it in. No sound. All of a
sudden, a goat came flying out of the woods, running like the wind, and
flew
past the men and jumped straight into the hole. The men were amazed.
About that time, an old hayseed farmer came out of the woods and asked the
men if they had seen a goat. One man told the farmer of the incredible
incident they had just witnessed...they had just seen this goat fly out of
the woods and run and leap into the big hole. The man asked the farmer if
this could have been his goat.
The old farmer said "naw, that can't be my goat...he was chained to a
railroad tie."
When
NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a
Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.
One
day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking
One
of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the
Recognizing
a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official
The
Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official
asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son
listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to
translate. So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and
played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly
but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
Finally,
an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped
laughing the translator relayed the message:
"Watch out for these pricks. They have come to steal your land."
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Student Pilot to Instructor:
"You're simply impossible to satisfy. I just finished navigating
successfully through a boiling fluid swirling around a rotating sphere
that is hurtling around a fusion reaction source at thousands of miles
per hour. This system is moving in a circular motion around a black
hole at who knows what speed, while the space it takes up is expanding.
And then I bounced the landing six inches. SIX MEASLY INCHES! Get off
my freakin' back!" (from: www.avweb.com)
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your
day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing."
Forty-five years of misery is enough. "Pop, what are you talking about?" the
son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old
man says."
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call
your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck
they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT
getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my
brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing,
DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says,
"They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own airfares."
Redheaded
woman
A
man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting
at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down,
but
lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly
she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
towards
the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and
hands
it back.
"Oh,
my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let
me buy your dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful
dinner
together, and afterwards the theater, followed by drinks.
They
talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.
She
listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to
come to her place for a nightcap .........and stay for breakfast.
The
next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The
guy is amazed! Everything had been SO incredible!
"You
know," he says, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
every guy you meet?"
"No,"
she replies.....You just happened to catch my eye."
Blue water Navy
truism; There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines
in the sky.
If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter
-- and therefore, unsafe.
When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough
power left to get you to the scene of the crash.
Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can get a pilot
pregnant.
A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a
row is prevarication.
Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!
Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything about it.
If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
Three Women
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get
there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on
the ducks." So they entered heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all
over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although
they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on
one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St.Peter chains
them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend
eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes
St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly
man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first
woman.
The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all
eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages
to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up
to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on very tall,
tanned and muscular. St. Peter chains them together and leaves without
saying a word.
The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for
all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a
duck."
50th Anniversary
While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a
northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were
discussing everything from cattle, horses, and
weather to how things used to be in the "good old
days."
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses.
One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and
asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating
your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"
"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.
"Well, are you gonna do anything special to
celebrate?" another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then
replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took Bea to
Tucson. Maybe for our 50th, I'll go down there
and get her."
===The Mood Ring===
My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. When
I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad
mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.
=== The Water Pistol ===
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift
from his grandmother,he discovered a water pistol. He
squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm
surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to
drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."
=== Half Price ===
USAir recently introduced a special half fare for
wives who accompanied their husbands on business
trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR
department sent out letters to all the wives of
businessmen who had used
the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
(BIG trouble here!)
=== Life after Death
===
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked
one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir," the new employee replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the
boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to
your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
Confused goose obsessed with boat motor
Canadian
Press
July 25, 2002 15:10:00
PORT
ALBERNI, Canada - Bruce the Goose is a little confused. He has fallen in
love with Mike and Jill Cooke's 80 horsepower Mercury outboard motor.
Bruce is a Canada Goose that has been living on
the Cooke's dock on the Somass River for the past five months.
He won't have anything to do with other birds,
and didn't fly south last winter. He spends his days within a wingspan of
his two-stroke girlfriend.
Mike Cooke said having Bruce around has
actually given him some peace of mind.
"He's a really good sentry," he said.
"It would take me years to train a dog to do what he does."
The goose keeps anyone from trespassing, Cooke
said, by kicking up a fuss if anyone other than his family is on the dock.
But while Bruce is a good guard goose, he does
interfere with the Cooke family's boating.
"Every time we take the boat out he gives
us hell," Cooke said. "He's very possessive. The wife comes out
and touches the motor and he starts pecking at her hand."
Cooke said water skiing has become difficult
because Bruce tends to stay too close to the motor for his own good.
"When we get back, the first thing he does
is check on the motor," Cooke said, taking a spin in his boat to
prove the point.
Bruce honks unhappily when the boat leaves and
swims right up next to the motor when the boat comes back.
Bruce first appeared on the dock last winter
and ate a sandwich Cooke offered him. Since then he's been eating mostly
chicken feed.
The Cooke's aren't sure Bruce could fly away
even if he wanted to.
The goose occasionally skims the water's
surface but hasn't flown more than about 20 metres that the Cookes have
seen.
Cooke said he figures the bird was probably
shot by a hunter.
"I tried running a metal detector over
him, but he wasn't having any of that," Cooke said.
The bird has become one of the family, he said.
"He really is like a dog."
MAN DISCOVERED - AND THEN:
Man
discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman
discovered hunting, invented furs.
Man
discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman
discovered painting, invented make-up.
Man
discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman
discovered conversation, invented gossip.
Man
discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman
discovered food, invented diet.
Man
discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman
discovered love, invented marriage.
Man
discovered woman, invented sex.
Woman
discovered sex, invented headache.
Man
discovered trade, invented money.
A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN
RE-WORD
A couple went on vacation to a
fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn.
The wife liked to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and
decided to take a short nap.
Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat. She rowed out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book.
Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and said, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replied...as she thought to herself, "duh -- isn't it obvious?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with assulting me," snapped the irate woman.
"But, I haven't even touched you," groused the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true, she replied, "but you do have all the equipment."
MORAL: Never
argue with a woman who knows how to read. It's likely she can also think.
A
group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female
When
it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided
As
she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
"No, ma'am," he replied, "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the 4th, but thanks for the lift."
While traveling to the east coast, I had to stop at a comfort station.
The first toilet stall was occupied, so I went into the second one. I
was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall:
"Hi, how are you doing?"
Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort
stations, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I
answered, a little embarrassed: "Not bad."
And the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?"
Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this
was too weird! So I said: "Well, just like you I am driving east".
Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say: "Look, I'll call you right
back, there is some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions
I am asking you. Bye!"
SUBJECT: Airline Humor
A mother and her son were flying Southwest airlines from Kansas City to
Chicago. The son who had been looking out the window turned to his mother
and asked "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't
big planes have baby planes?" The mother who couldn't think of an answer
told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess "If big
dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have
baby planes?" The stewardess responded "Did your mother tell you to ask
me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well then tell your mother
that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on
time. Your mother can explain it to you."
A
man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat
lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the
supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new
wife to his beastly emissions.
On
his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd
have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he
figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had
three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the
way home.
His
wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed,
"Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner
tonight!"
She
blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making
him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another
one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the
telephone rang and she went to answer it.
While
she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg
and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and
felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to
feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear
the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on
the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.
When
he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on
his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence
when she walked in.
Apologizing
for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured
her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled,
"Surprise!!!"
The Streaker
Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the
local town hall when a flower show was in progress.
One leaned over to the other and said, "Cripes! life is
boring, we never have any fun these days. For $5.00
I'd take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!"
"You're
on!" said the other old fellow, holding up
five dollars.
As fast as he
could, the first old man fumbled his way out
of his clothes and completely naked, streaked through the
front door of the town hall, followed by loud applause.
The streaker
burst out through the door surrounded by a
cheering crowd.
"Wow,
what happened?" asked his friend.
"It
was great!" he said,
"I won first prize for The Best Dried Arrangement!"
German Airfield
Another enemy decoy, built in occupied
Holland, led to a tale that has been told and retold ever since by veteran
Allied pilots. The German "airfield", constructed with
meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood.
There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun
emplacements, trucks, and aircraft.
Smart Pilot...
While cruising at 40,000
feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window.
"Good lord!" he
screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers left their
seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second
blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a
panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then,
standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit
and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and
his demeanour seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat
down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he
grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to
the flight attendants.
Each crew member attached
the package to their backs.
"Say," spoke up
an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"
The pilot said they were.
The passenger went on,
"But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"
"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded.
"We're going to get help..."
================================================================
A Flying students'
diary..
Week 1
Monday: Rain
Tuesday: Rain
Wednesday: No rain; no
visibility either
Thursday: Take instructor
to lunch. Discover I don't know enough to take instructor to lunch.
Friday: Fly! Do first stall
and second stall during same maneuver. Cover instructor with lunch.
Week 2
Monday: Learned not to
scrape frost off Plexiglas with ice-scraper. Used big scratch as marker to
set pitch.
Tuesday: Instructor wants
me to stop calling throttle "THAT BIG KNOB THING." Also hates
when I call instruments "GADGETS"
Wednesday: Radios won't
pick up radio stations, so I turned them off. Instructor seems to
think I missed something.
Thursday: Learned 10 degree
bank is not a steep turn. Did stall again today. Lost 2000 feet.
Instructor said that was some kind of record -- my first compliment.
Friday: Did steep turn.
Instructor said I was not ready for inverted flight yet.
Week 3
Monday: Instructor called
in sick. New instructor told me to stop calling her
"BABE". Did steep turns. She said I had to have permission for inverted
flight.
Tuesday: Instructor back.
He told me to stop calling him "BABE", too. He got mad when I
pulled power back on takeoff because the engine was to loud.
Wednesday: Instructor said
after the first 20 hours, most students have established a learning curve.
He said there is a slight bend in mine. Aha--progress!
Thursday: Did stalls. Clean
recovery. Instructor said I did good job. Also did turns around a point.
Instructor warned me never to pick ex-fiancée's house as point again.
Friday: Did pattern work.
Instructor said that if downwind, base and final formed a triangle, I
would be perfect. More praise!
Week 4
Monday: First landing at a
controlled field. Did fine until I told the captain in the 747 ahead of us
on the taxiway to move his bird. Instructor says we'll have ground school
all this week on radio procedures.
Tuesday: Asked instructor
if everyone in his family had turned gray at such an early age. He smiled.
We did takeoff stalls. He says I did just fine but to wait until we
reached altitude next time. Three Niner Juliet will be out of the shop in
three days when the new strut and tire arrive. Instructor says his back
bothers him only a little.
Wednesday: Flew through
clouds. I thought those radio towers were a lot lower. I'm sure my
instructor is going gray.
Thursday: Left flaps down
for entire flight. Instructor asked way. I told him I wanted the extra
lift as a safety margin. More ground school.
Friday:
Asked instructor when I could solo. I have never seen anyone actually
laugh until they cried before.